Many families in today’s society are made up of families that come from divorced families. This can create some interesting problems. The problems are magnified when there are children involved. Some families not only have yours, mine, and ours, but a few others also. This can happen when two people have a child together outside of marriage. This child, usually abandoned by the father assumes the last name of the mother. This creates a situation where there are several children in a home all with different last names. The parents may not understand the difficulty this can create for their children.

The term blended family may be a little deceiving, as many of these families struggle getting along. To say they are blended is optimistic. With a variety of children from different parents try to adapt to each other under the guidance of a new parent they have just recently met, things can become a little strained.

Religion and Divorce

To add fuel to the fire created by combining children and parents from several different family situations, there may be a difference in religion to consider. The majority of the people in the United States today proclaim that they are Christians. To be a Christian however doesn’t necessarily mean that a new families philosophies will all line up. There are a lot of Christian religions, and their contrasts can be very pronounced. One of the new parents in a marriage may be willing to convert or switch to a new faith, but their children may not be so interested in changing. Children in divorced families will still be spending time with “the other” parent regularly, usually on weekends. These are concerns that should all be addressed prior to entering into another marital situation. When a family has deep religious convictions decisions about religion should be made prior to bringing two families together.

Mixed Families

Other concerns to sort out include where the children will go to school and where they will live. Moving a child is a very difficult thing for the child. When they are uprooted and enrolled in a new school they will have adjustments to make. They will also need to make new friends in the neighborhood where they live. These may seem like small things, but to a child they can be very frightening. There is also the new parent they will be under the direction of, or will they? What do they call the new parent? Does the new parent have any right to correct the child or tell them what to do? Again these are topics that should be discussed prior to combining two families. For example, let’s say a teen age boy goes with his mom and has a new step dad. Lets also assume he is struggling in school. Biological dad may not be near by, and the teen has stopped listening to his mom. Who then, becomes the authoritarian in this young man’s life? Who does this teen look up to? With dad out of the picture who becomes his male role model? Many of the students enrolled in troubled teen boarding schools, and boot camps come from blended and mixed families. The teens are frustrated, angry, and unclear as to why their family is such a wreck.

Parent abuse is an issue that is not widely talked about in America today. What is parent abuse and is there anything parents can do to free themselves from it? When people discuss parent abuse they are usually talking about adult children abusing their elderly parents. Is it possible for parents of teen to be abused by their teens? The answer is yes, in some cases a five foot mother no longer has the ability to physically control her six foot, teenage son. Some parents are actually intimidated by their teen, and are afraid to do anything to upset the youth, for fear of being hurt. Small parents with large children may indeed be in an abusive situation with their teen. If the teen is abusing a parent police involvement may be necessary. As in any abusive relationship parents may be reluctant to call out of fear of what will happen when the police leave. However it is important for parents to seek some type of help. Family and friends outside of the home may need to assist the family until some type of order in the home is established. If necessary, police may need to be called to intervene, before something serious happens, and the choices of the family will be over shadowed by the mandates of the legal system.

Parents Have Options

When parents have lost control of their home to an overgrown child with physycial prowess over them, a plan needs to be developed. This will require sitting down with the teen while he or she is rational. Rules will need to be set, and consequences for violation predetermined by all parties. When a teen is not in the heat of the moment they may be open to ideas about curbing their negative behaviors. One consequence for continued negative behavior may be sending the teen away from home. This may include being taken into the juvenile system for breaking the law and physical assault, or being sent to a troubled teen program or boot camp for trouble teens. Most parents feel like they have failed in child rearing when they are faced with decision of this magnitude. It is important for parents in this situation to realize that they are not alone. There are many families that send their teens away from home every year. These fellow parents of troubled teens can become a strong support group for the family in crisis.

Legal Charges Against Your Teen

A last resort for many parents would be having to call the police and file charges against their teen. This may be the only option available for some parents. If the financial ability of the family doesn’t afford sending the teen to a boarding school or boot camp the parents will need to do what is necessary to protect themselves, as well as the rest of the family. This may require pressing charges against their own child. This decision will obviously be very difficult, but may be necessary to prevent the rest of the family from being harmed. Another important factor to consider is the possibility of the parents hurting the teen, and being arrested for abuse, even though they were acting out of self defense. This would not be fair to the remainder of the family either.

America is made up of individual people organized together as families. With this in mind it is not a stretch to say that in order to have a stronger country, America needs to strengthen it’s families. This is a difficult task given the current economy and divorce rate of 50%. This means that a family only has a 50/50 chance of succeeding in the United States today. This alone has had a dramatic effect on the children of the divorced families. It is no wonder that gang activity has sky rocketed in the last 20 years. Children need to feel safe and wanted. If a family is unable to offer this, a child will turn to an alternative source. The gangs of today as heinous as they are, can provide a pseudo sense of security to a child that is left to raise themselves on the streets. Gangs pride themselves on “having each others backs”. When a parent is unable to provide a secure enough environment the child may eventually become involved in gang activities.

Strengthening the Family

In order to strengthen the family it is necessary to begin at the top with the parents. Until parents commit to making their marriages work, rather than giving up on them, the traditional family is in danger of becoming extinct. This may sound a little dramatic, but in reality when parents decide to divorce, the children are the ones that suffer the most. Children from divorced families can feel abandoned, unwanted, and even deserted in some cases. The best way to heal the family is to see that parents are committed to their relationship. In a society where immediate gratification is prevalent this can be a difficult task. Prior to marriage both parties need to realize the seriousness of the decision they are making. Without a sincere commitment to stay together “until death do they part” marriages will continue to fail. Parents need to realize that not every day in marriage is going to be blissful and trouble free. Trials will come, testing even the most committed marriages. It will require looking beyond ones self to the bigger picture and most importantly to the children. Successful parents must truly develop a sense of selflessness to succeed. This is difficult when children and teens are not taught to think of, and be considerate to others. These values can only be taught through example in the home.

Teaching Children Family Values

When children are raised by single parents or by parents that are disengaged in teaching their children, problems can occur. The public school system is not founded on religion, or on any type of value system. This prevents them from teaching children values, honesty, and integrity. These are most effectively taught in the home. Children will do what they see their parents do long before they will do what they are told to do. Parents need to provide an example of ethical living for their children to follow. Parents who try to live one way and teach their children something else are wasting their time. If children are not taught by their parents who will they be taught by? It would be a good idea for a family to develop a list of principles to live by. Some families have religious affiliations that define their common values. Other families have written mission statements defining what their family belief systems are all about.

In order for a child to succeed in life they need some type of support system. The family has been the basis for many successful people who admit they wouldn’t have made it without their family. The typical family of a mother and father working side by side has evolved today into many diverse types of families. In an ideal world a father would provide for the family and the mother would take charge of teaching the children. There are successful families that have a mother that works outside of the home and the father is in charge of the household duties and the children. The benefits of having a full time parent in the home are countless. When a child comes home to an empty house they are much more likely to get into trouble, watch inappropriate things on the television, Internet, and fail to do their homework.

The Family Today

Many families today are blended families with children and parents blended from two divorced families. The dynamics of these families are diverse creating a difficult situation for all involved. This situation can be minimized by all parents working together for the benefit of the children. If divorced parents keep communication lines open and work together it is much easier to offer continuity to the children swept up in a divorced situation. Children will easily learn if one parent is easier to manipulate than the other parent. This can create a situation creating a wedge between parents. The child will wait until they are with the “easy” parent to get what they want. If what they want has be denied by the “other” parent things can soon escalate into a major power struggle. When both divorced parents communicate regularly this is less likely to happen. It will, however, require cooperation and a great deal of effort on the part of both parents. Since the parents are divorced and obviously had difficulty agreeing prior to the divorce, this can be difficult.

The Reality

The ideal, and what is real, are widely separated in today’s society. The ideal family may consist of a father and a mother, working together supporting their children in every way they can. The reality is, many families have only one parent. The single parent is required to work a full time job and assume the responsibilities of both mother and father. They will more than likely be out of the home the majority of the time. The children will be left home for many hours alone. The single parent will not be able to attend all of the children’s activities, parent conferences and performances. The divorced parent may be missing in action for many of their child’s activities. Some have moved on to a new family, and are unable or unwilling to spend time with  their biological children. Unfortunate as it seems, it is the reality of what is happening in the world today. Children without a strong enough support system in the home may turn to a street gang to receive the support they are missing at home. This isn’t to say that every boy or girl that joins a gang is the result of poor parenting, or a weak family, simply that this can be a contributing factor.

In the past boot camps were only associated with the military. In the last twenty years boot camps have been used in an attempt to help a struggling teen turn their lives around. The method is controversial resulting in the death of some of those enrolled. There are private and public boot camps. Some of the problems associated with boot camps have taken place in boot camps associated with teens in state funded correctional system boot camps. Many boot camps have closed in the last few years due to the stigma associated with, and the widely publicized boot camps that have had problems. It is unfortunate for some boot camp owners that have been caught in the cross fire. There are also boot camps and boarding schools have been unfairly targeted by state officials.

How Young of a Child Can You Take?

In the past, the majority of boot camps were limited to troubled teens. There are some boot camp style placement options for younger children, as young as 10 years of age. There are other programs that are structured like a boot camp that will take children as young as 8 years of age. Alternative placement options and boarding schools for younger children can be very expensive. Some Christian Boarding Schools and programs are able to hold the price down, due in part to donations of generous supporters. It is interesting to hear parents ask for help with a six year old child that they are unable to control. It makes a person wonder what is going on in the home that would cause a parent to give up on a child that young. Granted, there are situations where a child becomes so unruly that they may need to be placed somewhere out of the home. It is difficult to understand how a six year old can drive a parent to the point of wanting the child taken away from them. On the flip side of the coin it is unfair to blame the parent entirely for the situation they are in. To be fair, there are many contributing factors to be considered in every family and the dynamics surrounding their individual situation. This makes it unfair to generalize and lump all struggling parents and children into a category and call them failures.

Why Does My Child Act Like This?

Prior to placing a child outside of the home here are a few ideas a parent may want to take into consideration. The child may be suffering from some type of a medical problem. There are tests that can be done to determine if a child has ADD, or ADHD. These are the acronyms for Attention Deficit Disorder, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. If the child has one of these diagnosis there are medications that can be prescribed to assist them. There are a couple of other diagnosis that may be explored. ODD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a diagnosis that the medical professionals may want to explore. Another less likely potential problem may also need to be explored. RAD or Reactive Attachment Disorder may be a problem, especially for an adopted child.